Best Times for Happy Hours

Since 1920, that first stretch of time after the workday ends has been known as "happy hour." But can any hour truly be happy when every bar is packed with sweaty people in dress clothes, many still grumpy from another terrible day on the job, most throwing back as many cheap drinks as they can before they have to catch a lonely train ride home? That's not happy hour...it's misery.

No, the real happy hour would never be promoted as such. I should know, as someone without a job — I mean, as a writer — I often spend odd hours in bars. And, as a true drinking pro, with a lot of flexible time on my hands, I've made it my mission to uncover something: When is literally the most glorious 60 minutes of consecutive drinking time during the 120-hour work week? Along the way, I've provided a few visual aids.

It goes without saying, the big positive of advertised happy hours (in the 24 states that allow them) are discounted food and drinks. The big negative is, though you're no longer stuck in your cubicle, you're now stuck in a bar with many of the same clowns you work with. Thus, we can safely eliminate any time officially designated as "happy hour" — especially because it's never just an hour. Usually between 5 and 7 p.m., Monday through Friday, though, in some cases it will stretch from as early as 4 to as late as 8. One of my favorite watering holes, New York's Pony Bar, has a happy hour that is literally just an hour, starting at 4:20 (marijuana reference, Mom). Though by the time 5:20 has come, the Pony has unfortunately become the Bro-ny Bar, and like most pubs, full of annoying dudes in suits. (See above.)

Of course, once happy hour ends and the responsible adults have to head home to significant others, children, and early bedtimes...it's time for the youngsters to take over. You've surely been a part of this scene: You're having a grand ol' time, when all of a sudden the tables are cleared out of the way, the lights get dimmer, the music gets louder (perhaps a goofy DJ even sets up shop in the corner), the pints you had been paying $4 for suddenly skyrocket to $9, the kinds of young women who throw up Greek letters in all their photos arrive, and, holy shit, you're now at a dance party you never wanted to be at. Perhaps it's no surprise that Hoboken, a city which is pretty much the Las Vegas of the aforementioned, has literally the most advertised happy hours in the country. It's also probably no surprise that most people have moved out of Hoboken before they're thirty.

Likewise, the final hour before closing is always going to be one of the least-happy hours of the entire drinking day. I actually enjoyed that final hour back in my salad days, when I saw it as a chance to squeeze in a few final drinks before trying to make something happen for my sexual extremities. But, in retrospect, it was always a sloppy mess of eventually regrettable decisions. Not to mention, any time of the day in which there's a solid chance you'll hear that dreadful Semisonic song is gonna be one bad hour of your life. Thus, let's eliminate 2 a.m. until 4 a.m.

Aside from those few neon-lit cities where alcohol is strictly sold by the yard, in the rest of America bars and restaurants close no later than 4 a.m. and usually don't reopen again until 7 a.m. for breakfast. So, unless you're a gutter pup or alley tramp who is finally happy about getting a little peace and quiet with your fifth of hooch, we can safely eliminate 4 a.m. until...

Then again, 7 a.m. til around 11 a.m. isn't exactly a picnic for most of us either. At best, you'll be drinking at a dive with the kinds of people who have the kinds of jobs you didn't even know still existed (longshoreman, freighter worker, newspaper reporter). At worst, you'll be at a fancy brunch spot swigging mimosas and bellinis with the kinds of ladies who don't even have jobs — and don't need them either. Whether hair of the dog or "drunch," this time is never all too happy.

The pre-lunch hour is a great time to have a pop or two as the longshoremen have gone to bed and the trophy wives have gone to pilates. Indeed, it feels like a great accomplishment standing waiting at the front door of a bar as the day-time manager unlocks it for you. But, still, there's an underlying sadness about 11 a.m. boozing. And it's not just because the few people in attendance are trying to act jovial and full of levity by saying things such as "It's five o'clock somewhere!" Yeah, that place is called Poland. Sure, there are some great places like Jeremy's Ale House where pre-noon drinking is encouraged and not "weird," but there's just too much left to do with your day at that hour to get blotto. Not to mention, if you start drinking at 11, you'll be hungover before you've even gone to bed for the night. Ouch.

In a way, lunch hour is similar to advertised happy hour...yet worse. The same high percentage of be-suited office workers are going to be crowding the bar or restaurant, yet they're going to be drinking a whole lot less (if not at all), flirting non-existently, and talking heavily in the annoying jargon of their industry ("Yes, what exactly are the discoverability chances with this platform?"). Even worse, the lights are too bright and the TVs are tuned to midday news. If you dream of being a modern-day Roger Sterling, you might consider sneaking in a liquid lunch. Of course, you'll still have to head back to the office and pretend to work while hiding your whiskey breath from your meddlesome boss who is nowhere near as cool as Bert Cooper. So, thus, let's eliminate noon til 3 p.m.

Which leaves only...

You skip out of work a tad early, but not so early that anyone notices. You arrive at the bar at an hour when you're still guaranteed one of the best seats in the house, yet when there are still other patrons to schmooze with, hit on, tweet about. Over the next hour you're able to order drinks unencumbered, whenever and as often as you like. You're also able to develop rapport with the bartenders and waitstaff before the spot becomes a madhouse. And, just as you're getting a little buzzed, the delicious fried food suddenly becomes cheap (all the better to fill your boozy belly), drinks get even cheaper (all the better to have just "one more"), and a gaggle of sexy women in business suits arrive at the bar ready to cut loose after a tough day at the office. Yes, 3:00 p.m. til 4:00 p.m. is clearly the happiest hour.

Charts by Aaron Goldfarb

Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide and Drunk Drinking.

Follow Eat Like a Man on RSS and on Twitter at @ESQFood.

Aaron Goldfarb lives in Brooklyn and is a novelist and the author of 'Hacking Whiskey.'